Claymate Cum Playmate Update

Clay Aiken's new boyfriend Jeff Walters just cannot keep it in his pants, to which we can only say: Thanks, Jeff Walters!  Here's the latest leaked images of the lean guy's lengthy love gun as he self-pic'd his prick for the guys on Grindr.  Keep 'em coming, Jeff, and, if you take requests, please let us see Clay's favorite cock cumming, too!

Brett Favre's Fifty-Thousand Dollar Fuckstick

To follow up on what we reported here a month ago, Brett Favre, disgraced football something-or-other, sometime celebrity and Hollywood Handjobs VIP charter member, has now been punished for sending uninvited penis pics -- pics we would have totally invited.  If he was only thinking more with his helmeted head and not his helmet-head, he could have avoided all this unpleasantness and not only shared the wonder of his wang, but done so to an appreciative audience.  Here's a suggestion for horny celebrities:  think, people, think!  And then send us your penis pics.  I promise to gush over them and in more ways than one.  Anyhow, exhibitionist Brett has been fined a whopping $50,000, or, in other words, about 15 minutes worth of salary.  Oh, and he's retiring again in like two days or whatever.  It's good to know his bosses take sexual harassment seriously (just kidding!).  On the other hand, are pictures of your cock worth 50k?  Well, we'd all like to think so, anyway.  And so we bid a fond farewell to Favre and his fuckstick.  In the spirit of the holidays, let's take one more look at the offending organ, for auld lang syne.

Hugh Jackman's Penis in Peril!

In breaking celebrity penis news, Hugh Jackman, also known as Australia's most beloved export (sorry, Mel, but you lost that title to Hugh long before your now infamous psychotic rants), recently experienced severe discomfort in his genital region.  Although Hugh's jack-man has so far (and frustratingly) never been seen by the general public (although we do have some okay Internet fake photos until then), the world loves his penis as much as we love the rest of him (some of us perhaps even moreso) and we wish it and his testicles well.  Meanwhile, we do have fun footage at the link of both some scrotal slapstick and enough of Hugh jostling his jack-package to keep us busy for a while.  Below are some of the famous fakes (click to enlarge -- and now I'll be thinking about enlarging Hugh Jackman for the rest of the day), as well as my personal favorite (although Wolverine would not shave his balls).

 

Claymate Cum Playmate



Makeover enthusiast, single father and one-time American Idol runner-up to some guy nobody remembers anymore, Clay Aiken, has a new boyfriend: underwear model Jeff Walters.  It must be hard to find romance when you're a celebrity, but it probably isn't so hard for underwear models to find some no-strings fun, especially when they're allegedly not shy about jacking their gigantic johnsons for the world to see on Grindr, the -- uh -- "social networking" app for men who would like to meet men right this very moment.  Since Jeff's ginormous John Thomas is now celebrity-adjacent (at the very least), it's our duty to help share the staggering sight of this stunner with the readers (somebody is actually reading the words that surround the pictures on this site, right?) of Hollywood Handjobs.  Thanks for sharing, Jeff, and congratulations, Clay!  You definitely got yourself a handful there.  Actually, that's more like two handfuls.  In fact, congratulations to you, too, Jeff!  First up are the professional shots which hint at what's to come (so to speak):

And then the homemade variety, which beat the pants off the professional shots by revealing the model's hidden beauty.  And what a beauty!  It's probably safe to say that Jeff Walters is Clay Aiken's biggest fan. 

Jacking Off with James Franco

... is something we at Hollywood Handjobs would be totally up for.  And we mean really up for it.  Really.  Whereas it's not likely (read: utterly impossible) that this is something we're ever going to experience (confidential to JF: if you're reading this, e-mail us!), it's good to know that James is down with watching other brothers go to town.  As reported on Filmdrunk in a post that is beyond funny (and "fellow-to-fellow fun"-friendly!)  -- and matched in hilarity by the blog's readers' comments -- Mr. Franco did research for the role of a gigolo by actually going to work with a couple of them.  Of course, they did all the work while James just soaked up all the ambience (and, presumably, that's all he soaked up).  You got to love both the Jimmys (Franco and Lipton) as all the dick-drenched details get spilled in this clip from Inside The Actors Studio:

Jim Morrison's Mr. Mojo Didn't Rise

Florida Governor Charlie Crist has posthumously pardoned Jim Morrison of his conviction for indecent exposure during a concert in Miami on March 1, 1969.  The conviction was in question from the beginning, as there was never any definitive proof that the legendary singer of The Doors let loose his equally legendary Lizard King during this performance.  As fellow bandmate Ray Manzarek says, “There were 100 photos offered in evidence at the trial, photos of everything... Not one photo of Jim’s magnificent member,” but this was Florida and he was a hippy, so he was automatically guilty.  Needless to say, the tragedy wasn't that he was railroaded, the tragedy was that the world never got a chance to actually see Mr. Mojo risin'.  Below are shots of the almost forty-two year old incident in which Morrison teases but never pleases his audience, followed by one fan's smokin' hot masturbatory homage to the master's indecent mirage.



It's good to know that, all these years later, Florida's flashers are keeping Jim's spirit alive -- and their penises exposed.  On the day of Morrison's pardon, Tyler John Heinzman, 21, celebrated by being arrested in Naples, Florida, at Club Ultra. He was charged with indecent exposure after detectives saw him unzip his pants and expose his penis to bar patrons.  Although we at Hollywood Handjobs don't endorse breaking the law in this (or any other) fashion, we have to say that if we were going to be flashed at a nightclub, we could do a lot worse than Mr. Heinzman.  However, we do endorse taking pride in your penis, and, even if TJ's judgment is questionable, his mugshot shows his attitude is topnotch.  Good for you, Tyler!

And the best part?  According to Club Ultra's Myspace page, it's "The Place to be and be seen in Southwest Florida".  Now that's truth in advertising!

John Travolta: Back Off Jack-Off Backtalk!

As we could have predicted, John Travolta's attorneys object to Gawker alleging that John's beat off more men than Sylvester Stallone in a Rambo sequel.  And it's likely nobody on Team Travolta was happy that these allegations came up just as Mrs. Travolta was once again giving birth.  I imagine strategy meetings with attorneys asking, "Just how many children do these two have to have in order to stop these rumors?  No, seriously -- how many?" Gossip Cop has the downlow on this sticky situation.  Will John Travolta really follow in fellow Scientologist Tom Cruise's footsteps and join him as the only other modern movie star to actually pursue suing someone in order to stop being called gay?  We don't know for a fact what the truth is about John Travolta -- nor, frankly, do we care -- but, as we head into 2011, who actually regards being presumed gay as an insult?  James Franco, Jake Gyllenhall, Anderson Cooper, Vin Diesel, Peyton Manning, Troy Aikman, and Matt Bomer are just some of the countless celebs rumored to be gay.  Some of them probably are, but don't care to confirm it.  All of them don't care if you think they are.  Keanu Reeves said it best fifteen years ago when he told Vanity Fair, "There's nothing wrong with being gay, so to deny it is to make a judgment. And why make a big deal of it?"  Fifteen years later, and even though it would be best for him to let these new and simply unbelievable allegations slip quietly away, John Travolta apparently intends to make a very big deal of it.

Pee-Wee's Porno Playhouse Past

Paul Reubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman, is best known for jerking it old school: in an adult movie theatre (pre-Internet, these were actual public places you had to go to which were your only option for watching porn while visiting your parents) and without having any of it captured for posterity on a phone (in those days, not only did phones not have cameras, but they also could not be removed from your home to which they were attached by a wire -- seriously!).  Because this all happened when dinosaurs ruled the Earth, there are no pics to post, other than the unfortunate mugshot (which arguably did more damage to his career than what he was arrested for).  Yet, here we are, still talking about Paul Reubens' pee-wee, even though it remains a figment of our imaginations and all he was accused of was jerking off.  Alone.  With nobody but the police watching.  Then, it ruined him; today, it wouldn't rate a headline on Entertainment Tonight.  Now we not only expect our celebrities to have interesting sex lives, we demand to see the proof.  Still, Paul maintains his innocence (and it totally makes sense he'd go to all the trouble of driving to an adult movie theatre and buy a ticket to sit alone and not jack off) to Playboy:

"Had we gone to trial, we had ready an expert from the Masters & Johnson Institute who was going to testify that in 30 years of research on masturbation, the institute had never found one person who masturbated with his or her nondominant hand. I'm right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn't have been me."

I guess you can't blame Reubens for not wanting to be a celebrity cock-cranking crusader fighting for the rights of men everywhere to thrash themselves in theatres.  And it's charming -- even quaint -- that he still denies it.  But that's his defense?  Maybe his solo-sex life just isn't that interesting, after all.

Jacking Off with John Travolta?

LA author Robert Randolph claims to have been an eyewitness to John Travolta's alleged secret sex life for the past 15 years.  Now, I haven't even watched The Simpsons in the past 15 years as often as Randolph says that he's watched Travolta have sex with men in public places, but this is Hollywood and stranger things have happened.  Gawker has the story and it includes lots and lots of handjobs given and received by by a major Hollywood celebrity in the greater Hollywood area.  Which makes it the perfect story to be this blog's first news feature!